thecosmicdance ([personal profile] thecosmicdance) wrote2013-04-02 08:00 pm

Attempting to Watch The Bible pt 1

The fight scenes. OhMG, so many of them are so bad. If the casting director should be fired (see below) the fight choreographer should be banned for life from working in Hollywood.

So awful. The bad guys just ride around randomly hacking people to death and/or dying hilariously. Some of the actors move like natural fighters, while others move...strangely. I can't describe it but it doesn't look natural. Like, instead of slowing down the film when someone is supposed to move in slow motion, they simply told the actor to actually moooove veeerrrr slowwwlly.

The fights are awful. Except when they're simply horrifying.

The episode “Homeland” contains a significant role for the prostitute Rahab. But three guesses why these filmmakers would consider her important..if you said she's an ancestor of Jesus, you're right. They also, in the Abraham and Isaac story, changed the ram that mysteriously appears (for Abraham to sacrifice instead) into a lamb.

And the Rahab story just happens to be in the middle of one of the most horrifying stories in the entire Bible. I can't deal with so much of Judges, I really can't and I'm not a pacifist or someone who can't stomach battle scenes. Half the book is basically Joshua and his troops horrifically slaughtering their neighbors for the mere fact that those people are on land our alleged “heroes” want. It's a blood soaked bloody bloodbath of blood that goes on for pages. You know, in most of the Bible, the Israelites are fighting to defend their right to exist, but in this part, they're the merciless conquerors who just crush the indigenous people of Canaan for no justifiable purpose. The storming of Jericho is a stunning piece of merciless badassery on the part of the villains-oh wait- those are the heroes?

This isn't the filmmaker's fault, the story really goes like that. But they don't present it as if they have any qualms with that fact.

Answer me this- has the person who cast Young David been fired yet? Because really, not pretty. At all. Most Davids are cast with looks as the highest priority, I admire this casting director's commitment to bucking tradition... The older David is an improvement, definitely a good looking man, but this is a man who went down in history as completely stunning, whose hotness reached memetic status, so I want to know where my eyecandy went. Also, good grief, Jonathan. Must I repeat myself? Is this production trying to lose its female audience? Come on. We deserve characters we can also objectify, this production gives us so little to applaud already. Yes, I am judging men's faces and bodies by an impossibly high standard, aren't I just horrible?

Also, not only are all the parts where Michal shows her strong spirit and cleverness cut out, David and Jonathan's friendship is mostly cut entirely out. No, I'm not kidding. This leaves Jonathan with literally nothing to do in this story. Christians tend to ignore Michal a lot, I guess since she didn't give him any kids she can't be the mother of anyone Jesus was related to, and therefore doesn't matter? As for Jonathan, well, I think it's obvious...modern conservative Christians are starting to find that story threatening.

They do show David's murder of Uriah with chilling detail. I don't have an opinion on this really, but a lot of people see Bathsheba as a woman of color, or at least, less white than this actress. All of David's other children and wives are neither seen nor mentioned in this adaption.